Ive come a long way,  and  perhaps I still have a long to go in this matter of trust.  Years ago at a social event I was shocked when my wife rated her trust in me at 2 out of 10.  What?  I was even more shocked when she divorced me a few years later.. What?   Why didn’t she trust me.. the simple answer was that I was unpredictable on several levels. And that unpredictability showed up profoundly on the bottom line. I was predictably a very poor provider.   I couldn’t even trust myself, and I came to be quite disturbed by that fact.  I went on a quest to discover how to become predictable, trustworthy.  In  2011 I was diagnosed with bi-polar and with that diagnosis,  quite a few of the missing pieces of the puzzle fell into place.. Ok, now I know WHY I am unpredictable. Now  what do I do about it. How do to I become trustworthy and earn back the trust that I have lost, especially with my wife and children, but also in my career as a pastor , and even more importantly in my relationship with the Lord.  I have great faith in the Lord, but does He have faith in me.  I have turned by back to the plow so many times, that I certainly can’t expect Him to trust me,  and the wonderful blessing He has poured into me this winter tell only of His amazing grace.

I was reading a book by Peter Drucker, called Managing the Non-profit Organization and several things he said jumped out at me.

“Creating a record of performance is the only thing that will encourage people to trust you and support you”   ” The critical factor for this kind of success is accountability, holding yourself accountable”  ” To be accountable you have to take the job seriously enough to recognize ” Ive got to grow up to the job.” Self development seems to me to mean both acquiring more capacity and more weight as a person altogether. By focusing on accountability people take a bigger view of themselves. That’s not vanity, not pride, but it is self respect and self confidence.”

These are challenging ideas..  Creating a record of performance,  is exactly what I have to do, in order for me to regain trust, and this is something that I still don’t have not done, to any significant degree, even though I have made a lot of changes in my attitude, and behaviour.    I am now content and strong in my faith, walking in purity,  and working  much more graciously with those around me. But now all these changes need to be anchored in a solid record of performance. I need something tangible that I can show potential employers,  my children and my wife, perhaps even the Lord.

I am scheduled to meet with a church group this morning to seek their sponsorship for a five week program that I am heading up. This project has great potential though there are a few deficits ( beyond my control ) in this whole project that will very likely lead them to not be able to say yes to the proposal.  As I go into the meeting my objective is not so much to get them to say yes to the project but to say yes to me.  I want to go in well prepared,  professional, and gracious.  I want them to feel that I have fully respected them, by giving them all the information they need to make a sound decision and i want them to feel confident that they can say no without offending me. I want to go into the meeting with a settled, centered spirit so that I can be fully present and consciously be aware of and carefully listen to all the communication both verbal and nonverbal.  At the end of the meeting I want them to know me much better, and trust  that I am a credible, passionate, and faithful servant of Jesus.  I want this meeting to add significantly to my ” record of performance”.  Most importantly, by the way that I handle this meeting, ( by the grace of the Holy Spirit) I want Jesus to know that He can trust me more.

And I am confident that it will go well.















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