Ive come a long way, and perhaps I still have a long to go in this matter of trust. Years ago at a social event I was shocked when my wife rated her trust in me at 2 out of 10. What? I was even more shocked when she divorced me a few years later.. What? Why didn’t she trust me.. the simple answer was that I was unpredictable on several levels. And that unpredictability showed up profoundly on the bottom line. I was predictably a very poor provider. I couldn’t even trust myself, and I came to be quite disturbed by that fact. I went on a quest to discover how to become predictable, trustworthy. In 2011 I was diagnosed with bi-polar and with that diagnosis, quite a few of the missing pieces of the puzzle fell into place.. Ok, now I know WHY I am unpredictable. Now what do I do about it. How do to I become trustworthy and earn back the trust that I have lost, especially with my wife and children, but also in my career as a pastor , and even more importantly in my relationship with the Lord. I have great faith in the Lord, but does He have faith in me. I have turned by back to the plow so many times, that I certainly can’t expect Him to trust me, and the wonderful blessing He has poured into me this winter tell only of His amazing grace.
I was reading a book by Peter Drucker, called Managing the Non-profit Organization and several things he said jumped out at me.
“Creating a record of performance is the only thing that will encourage people to trust you and support you” ” The critical factor for this kind of success is accountability, holding yourself accountable” ” To be accountable you have to take the job seriously enough to recognize ” Ive got to grow up to the job.” Self development seems to me to mean both acquiring more capacity and more weight as a person altogether. By focusing on accountability people take a bigger view of themselves. That’s not vanity, not pride, but it is self respect and self confidence.”
These are challenging ideas.. Creating a record of performance, is exactly what I have to do, in order for me to regain trust, and this is something that I still don’t have not done, to any significant degree, even though I have made a lot of changes in my attitude, and behaviour. I am now content and strong in my faith, walking in purity, and working much more graciously with those around me. But now all these changes need to be anchored in a solid record of performance. I need something tangible that I can show potential employers, my children and my wife, perhaps even the Lord.
I am scheduled to meet with a church group this morning to seek their sponsorship for a five week program that I am heading up. This project has great potential though there are a few deficits ( beyond my control ) in this whole project that will very likely lead them to not be able to say yes to the proposal. As I go into the meeting my objective is not so much to get them to say yes to the project but to say yes to me. I want to go in well prepared, professional, and gracious. I want them to feel that I have fully respected them, by giving them all the information they need to make a sound decision and i want them to feel confident that they can say no without offending me. I want to go into the meeting with a settled, centered spirit so that I can be fully present and consciously be aware of and carefully listen to all the communication both verbal and nonverbal. At the end of the meeting I want them to know me much better, and trust that I am a credible, passionate, and faithful servant of Jesus. I want this meeting to add significantly to my ” record of performance”. Most importantly, by the way that I handle this meeting, ( by the grace of the Holy Spirit) I want Jesus to know that He can trust me more.
And I am confident that it will go well.